Looking for the perfect relationship, aren’t we all? otherwise why are we involved in a loving relationship that we want to last for all time, though this can also be useful in a Friends with benefits too.
How far into a relationship have you waited until your expectations and requirements have become a serious issue? How has the experience been for you and your partner, was the situation heated because the conversation was the first time that these expectations had been discussed and the reason for the conversation was due to the fact that you had failed to deliver on an expectation the is a core value to them, or them to you.
We buy/rent a house with an expectation that a contract is negotiated, agreed and signed by both parties. We purchase a new car, boat etc with the same agreement in place, yet these items pale in significance to a relationship that we want to have for a long time or forever.
If you agree with the above then what do you do to ensure that you and your partner know each other’s ‘contract’ terms?
Let’s break this down and look at the components that can get us started on the journey to your sublime relationship,
First, there are your values, your values are the activities, thoughts, desires, demonstrable things in your life, for example do you love your family by thinking about them, visiting them, keeping in touch, thereby showing that your value of family is evidenced by your actions. This is one value, there are many others from sport to camping, to travelling or watching TV, there is no right or wrong its what is important to you as an individual.
Does your partner also demonstrate similar values to yours? Maybe family isn’t important to them, in which case you must consider this and decide whether that is something you can live with.
It is also possible that they look to you to help them grow their value of family and that is ok too.
So work out your values and ask your partner to do the same, do they have the same or similar values as you? It is often said that opposites attract, but opposites also react and this will cause problems, in some cases driving you apart.
Second, are your deal breakers, what is it that you expect from your partner? If when you don’t receive it upsets you?
You have a list of deal breakers and so does your partner, these are your expectations, it could be small like a kiss and a hug when one of you leaves the house, the deal breaker may be big, like you want to have children and therefore your partner needs to be on board with that decision too, maybe it is that you can not accept your partner remaining friends with an ex, these are personal to you and there is no right or wrong.
Finally, sit down and think about things from your past, the relationships that you have had where things didn’t go the way you had planned because you didn’t have a list of Values and Deal Breakers and you didn’t know your partners either. If the person you are dating does not demonstrably live according to values that are compatible with yours and they can’t either agree to, or see your deal breakers as important to them then please think before you make the next move.
Ultimately a list of values and deal breakers give you a contract, a point with which you can refer when things aren’t going the way you desire or expect. Having this contract in place gives power to you and your partner, after all you will have agreed to work to this contract.
We all have the right to an inspired life and a SublimeRelationship and you are cheating yourself of your full potential to accept any less.